Jokes

[KILLERPOT]

Swearing

A 6 year-old tells his 4 year-old brother "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 Year-olds nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' ok?" The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."



WHACK!!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."
- She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[Holdem Freak]

Now that is some funny stuff right there.

[KILLERPOT]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick, Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ......... You got nice house."

[Holdem Freak]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[KILLERPOT]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... So she called him and explained the situation.


Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all
quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[KILLERPOT]

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."

:shocked:

[KILLERPOT]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together,
when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: ‘Can I have a beer Grandpa?’ Grandpa replies: ‘Can
your pecker touch your ass?’ The little boy answered: No Grandpa, it’s
just a little pecker’.

Gramps says: ‘well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer’.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: ‘Can I have a cigar Grandpa?’ Once again, Grandpa
asks: ‘Can your pecker touch your ass?’ Once again the little boy replies,
‘No, it’s too little.’ Grandpa replies: ‘Then you’re not man enough
to have a cigar’.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some
cookies.

Grandpa asks: ‘Hey, there young feller, can I have a cookie?’ The boy
asks: ‘Can your pecker touch your ass?’

Gramps replies: ‘Hell yes, my
pecker can touch my ass.’

The little boy replies: ‘Then go f#$%
yourself. Grandma made these for me’.

[Holdem Freak]

Now that is some funny chit there.

[Sick Fish]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both..
Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.

'Be strong.. I love you, too!'

[FILLDZ]

SickFish this is some good Stuff

[FILLDZ]

give us some more!

[Yoda]

good stuff,,,more please

[A REAL DEAL]

This joke is called "Chunks', A man goes to a bar, named Barron, tells barkeep gimme beer for each hand. After 4 hours barkeep says here Barron have a double shot on the house, Barron says keepem coming, my wife left me for a woman, :Cry:, few more hours go by, barkeep tells Barron give me your keys for your car your in no condition to drive home. Barron says im fine, leaves and, comes back next day, and says barkeep, gimme a coke, a coke hes says dam Barron you drank 2 cases of beer and one bottle wild turkey, now a coke? Well, yes i went home and blew CHUNKS. Barkeep, who by the way was CALI, says, that understandable, drinking all that liquor, will make you blow chunks, no CALI, you misunderstand, CHunks is my Dog :D that my roast for Barron 2nite :plane::hail:

[Sick Fish]

Q: What did the transvestite get arrested for ????

A: Male fraud.

[1GIANT1744]

A BLONDE gets a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh....she says if you put your ear next to it...you can actually smell the fish!! :hungry::hungry:

[1GIANT1744]

PRAYER of the DAY: May the crabs of a thousand whores infest the crotch of the person who ****s up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch!!:peace:

[rockthrower]

From the new hand nicknames department…AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great. Never wins.

A man comes home…from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”
“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”
“How did you manage that, you fool?”
“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush.”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



<a href="http://s236.photobucket.com/albums/ff193/TNAisCAGE/?action=view&current=lee-jones.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff193/TNAisCAGE/lee-jones.gif" border="0" alt="lee jones"></a>

[2card johnny]

Lil johnny was at school when the teacher was going to work on the alphabet with her students. What she would do is pic a student and they would give a word for the letter they were told to do. The 1st letter was A and lil johnnys hand Shot up in the air. The teacher thought to herself " i cant pick johnny he would probably say a dirty word like he always does" and picked mary. Mary said "A is for apple teacher".
Very good said the teacher, now who wants to do B....Lil johnnys hand was the 1st one up! Teacher again thought "B is no good johnny will say bitch or some other word. so she picked Billy. "B is for ball" billy said. Lil johnnys hand went up for every letter but the teacher passed him up every time until she was almost to the end and thought " i have to pick him sooner or later" The next letter was W and again Johnnys hand was the 1st up. Well she thought , whore is not that bad a word so i guess i can pick Lil Johnny this time" Ok Johnny what word is for W? W is for Woom, said Lil Johnny. The teacher said " thats very good Lil Johnny you mean womb. like the womb you came from? Lil Johnny said " O no teacher woom .. Like in 2 elephants f**king woom woom woom!

[CaliNaughti]

Ok everyone..Dave sends me some real doozies! Hers on I recieved today. I HAD to show you all!
Thank you Dave

Never argue with a Woman



One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside

cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,

And begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.



Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

' Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing? '



'Reading a book, ' she replies, (thinking, ' Isn't that obvious? ' )



'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, ' he informs her.



'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading. '



'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment.

I'll have to take you in and write you up. '



'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, ' says the woman.



'But I haven't even touched you, ' says the Game Warden.



'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. '



'Have a nice day ma'am, ' and he left.



MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think..

[CaliNaughti]

Here is my absolute favorite Dave has sent me. Yes dave..I saved it! hehehe
Enjoy!

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes.. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome", that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[phishfinder2]

Juicy Joke


A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: “You Got Male”

[Yoda]

i like it,,,,hahahah

[stlouisray]

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."


The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, heh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."


They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.

"And that

is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

[KMCWA]

That is some funny chit ya'll. Keep em comin!!

[instigater1]

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer one and pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife (who is no dummy) thinks to herself, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!' He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon.. Closed coffin.

[instigater1]

The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on... take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone!!!

[instigater1]

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it
does most of you,
is to sit down at the dinner table only to be
interrupted by a phone
call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such
occasion, to try to be
as irritating as they were to me. The call was from
AT&T and it went
something like this:

(swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron
please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5
minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I
ate my salad. Much
to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they
were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested
but thanks for
calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't
think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not
interested", but
this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a
minute, 24 hours
a
day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of
10 cents a minute
but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly
see that it was
time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a
little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my
interest) Yes sir
that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's
amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or
just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if
you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours
a day, 7 days a
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day,
$1,008 per week and
$52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how
you will be making
payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You
pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me
10 cents a
minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that
you'll give me
10
cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?
Is this some kind
of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about
things like this in
the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien
brainwashing techniques on
me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute
for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor
please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting
cold. I begin to
eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a
few minutes and
while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite
understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was
all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to
produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get
back to me so
that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to
the person who
was
helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more
mouthfuls. I needed to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an
aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are
interested in signing
up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because
you can never
have
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really
like to have a
little brother...
AT&T: (click)

[stlouisray]

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you
are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[rduckham]

How are politicians similar to the birth of an elephant:

It is always accompanied by a great deal of roaring and screaming,

and it takes 2 years to produce results.

[rduckham]

The Republican Party is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of shit when you least expect it.

[instigater1]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY 11:30 AM TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

[instigater1]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .


"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

[instigater1]

The research has just been completed:

One thing about Hooters is:





9 out of 10 men prefer women with big hooters,




and the 10th guy prefers the other 9 guys!

[mmsdan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLd22ha_-VU

Finally, we know now the lyrics to Yellow Ledbetter! lol

[instigater1]

I'm disappointed in my phone. It promised more bars in more places but all I see are the same old bars and the same old drunks. I demand a refund!

[instigater1]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a
moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

[KMCWA]

DEER CAMP


Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and
dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had
handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said,
"Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.:biggrin1::biggrin1::eyebrows::biggrin1::biggri n1:

[KMCWA]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl..

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


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WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?'
I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'


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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


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MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles...

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter..

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

__________________________________________________ ___________
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied,
'in-laws.'


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WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


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CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee..'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'


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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
:couch2:

[jojo7799]

One day little Jonny and his dad were walking in the park and came up on two dogs humping. Little Jonny ask his dad what are those dogs doing? His dad replied they are making puppies. Well that nite Jonny got scared and ran into his mother and dads bedroom and they were making love. Jonny said dad what are you and mom doing? His dad said well we are making you a little brother. Jonny said well dad roll her over I want a puppie.

[JIM2222]

i like the jokes

[CaliNaughti]

OMG!! These are the best Dave!! I am going to have to send them out to friends!! Thank you so much! I am now taking Steves remote with me since he doesnt go shopping with me like Judys husband Mark does. :censored:

Hmmm wondering if she used this tactic to get him to go shopping with her? :cali:
Thank you Dave!